Seemingly Unfazed By My Own Mediocrity

That's what they might have unconsciously perceived of me.

faze n. disturb the composure of
mediocrity n. state of being not good (enough)

One of my problems. Long-time problem. Might be MY GREATEST.
How come?

I spent my middle childhood and adolescence inside the comfort zone of our home.
On that critical/sensitive period, I didn't learn socialization, good interpersonal relationships, group communication and show of emotion PROPERLY. I can't handle being in a peer group. So I truly belong to none of them.

Obviously, I LACK EXPERIENCE.

And even inside the home, I'm like an alien to my siblings. So different from them.
Even more different from my cousins. I'm this homebuddy... a nerd, sometimes a "house helper" (helping Mom do the household chores that I know how to do like sweeping and scrubbing the floor...)

You know what I mean? Well, it's alright that I'm a nerd and a "house-helper" inside the home.
But outside, I don't know who I am. I don't know how I would break the ice. I don't what's in and out in fashion, sports (In HS, I don't know what's UAAP, pathetic.), TV (PBB??? I don't know what makes it tick. Honestly, they're just like spying on the occupants of a house), music (Emo? Pls. define. And what makes someone EMO?), technology (Wow, what's that? It's DOTA. Oh, I'm sorry... Nice iPhone, I don' know how to play Snake with this keypad-less thingy.)...the list is endless.

I'm a nerd. Yes I am. I devour my books. Literally, my fave books are all looking battered. Wrong handling, I suppose. But I don't know the know-how's of this world. I'm just a mediocre person. Worse, I'm already an adult (18)...still I'm terrified when our car halted in the middle of the road inside the tunnel in Ayala. Still, I'm afraid to learn new stuffs...like making adobo or ride a scooter. I'm afraid to date people, even acquaintances. I'm afraid to venture outside our school campus. I have to gain as much experience as what I should have accumulated during those period from Grade4 to Fourth Year HS. And The weird thing is, I have to learn alone. So scary.

Yes, I'm mediocre. But what makes it worst is my expression.
I look aloof. Snob. Thinks highly of myself. Might be my defense mechanism to hide my inferiority.

And honestly, why I do that is because I don't know how to react properly in a particular situation. Not crying in my lola's funeral. Laughing "pilit" though I know myself that something is obviously hilarious. Cracking a corny joke with a frown, imagine that! As if I'm just a robot in human flesh and blood and bones. I look "ewan" at times. Oblivious to what's happening to my environment. Speaking words which hurt. Doing things in a haywire. As if my programs are full of viruses and my CPU is malfunctioning. Not really detectable. My composure is still there. I don't look troubled. Only serious. My problem is seen by others as loss of concentration or selective attention, slow reaction, no reaction, indifference, pride, mediocrity (yes, I finally found the exact word)...

But I'm still human...in another sense. That I'm easily hurt. That I sometimes express myself in exaggerated ways. That I'm inferior to try even the most banal of things. That I need help. That I need people who can see through me. That while others see me with my chin up, I, on the other hand, am looking down on myself.