That's what they might have unconsciously perceived of me.
faze n. disturb the composure of
mediocrity n. state of being not good (enough)
One of my problems. Long-time problem. Might be MY GREATEST.
How come?
I spent my middle childhood and adolescence inside the comfort zone of our home.
On that critical/sensitive period, I didn't learn socialization, good interpersonal relationships, group communication and show of emotion PROPERLY. I can't handle being in a peer group. So I truly belong to none of them.
Obviously, I LACK EXPERIENCE.
And even inside the home, I'm like an alien to my siblings. So different from them.
Even more different from my cousins. I'm this homebuddy... a nerd, sometimes a "house helper" (helping Mom do the household chores that I know how to do like sweeping and scrubbing the floor...)
You know what I mean? Well, it's alright that I'm a nerd and a "house-helper" inside the home.
But outside, I don't know who I am. I don't know how I would break the ice. I don't what's in and out in fashion, sports (In HS, I don't know what's UAAP, pathetic.), TV (PBB??? I don't know what makes it tick. Honestly, they're just like spying on the occupants of a house), music (Emo? Pls. define. And what makes someone EMO?), technology (Wow, what's that? It's DOTA. Oh, I'm sorry... Nice iPhone, I don' know how to play Snake with this keypad-less thingy.)...the list is endless.
I'm a nerd. Yes I am. I devour my books. Literally, my fave books are all looking battered. Wrong handling, I suppose. But I don't know the know-how's of this world. I'm just a mediocre person. Worse, I'm already an adult (18)...still I'm terrified when our car halted in the middle of the road inside the tunnel in Ayala. Still, I'm afraid to learn new stuffs...like making adobo or ride a scooter. I'm afraid to date people, even acquaintances. I'm afraid to venture outside our school campus. I have to gain as much experience as what I should have accumulated during those period from Grade4 to Fourth Year HS. And The weird thing is, I have to learn alone. So scary.
Yes, I'm mediocre. But what makes it worst is my expression.
I look aloof. Snob. Thinks highly of myself. Might be my defense mechanism to hide my inferiority.
And honestly, why I do that is because I don't know how to react properly in a particular situation. Not crying in my lola's funeral. Laughing "pilit" though I know myself that something is obviously hilarious. Cracking a corny joke with a frown, imagine that! As if I'm just a robot in human flesh and blood and bones. I look "ewan" at times. Oblivious to what's happening to my environment. Speaking words which hurt. Doing things in a haywire. As if my programs are full of viruses and my CPU is malfunctioning. Not really detectable. My composure is still there. I don't look troubled. Only serious. My problem is seen by others as loss of concentration or selective attention, slow reaction, no reaction, indifference, pride, mediocrity (yes, I finally found the exact word)...
But I'm still human...in another sense. That I'm easily hurt. That I sometimes express myself in exaggerated ways. That I'm inferior to try even the most banal of things. That I need help. That I need people who can see through me. That while others see me with my chin up, I, on the other hand, am looking down on myself.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Eighteen...and Still Holding a Pop
I just turned eighteen last Feb. 18. The night before, we ate, talked, sang, opened gifts, etc. But I slept early because I don't want to be late in my 7AM English class.
Kriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! 6AM. I woke up when the service had just passed by the bakery where I would wait for it. Waaah. New start. "SAYA..." Still I celebrated my exact birth date (Feb. 18 at 3PM) with someone I dearly love.
OKAY. Done with the past.
Now I tell the whole world, I AM STILL WHO I AM.
According to chronology, I'm eighteen.
According to the law, I'm entitled to have a driver's license, to be married without parental consent, to vote for the new batch of corrupt politicians, etc. etc.
According to the Phil. society, I am an ADULT. Oh c'mon, I don't look like one.
But still, I'm still a child at heart.
Oblivious to many things in the world.
Intentionally using my selective attention to its fullest gear.
Coz I'm still not ready to face the world.
The harsh reality of this adult world.
The responsibilities of being an adult.
I'm still trying not to care about many things coz I don't want the remaining part of me to be corrupted fully.
By lies, pretension, unequal diffusion of responsibility, nonchalance, etc.
I am still a child who literally and figuratively still hold on to my cola-flavored Magic Pop.
A child whose principles are slowly tested by practicality.
You may not agree with me...but when you turn eighteen, it is nothing for you.
Nothing or something.
I'm my case, it's a BIG change.
Coz because of this number,. I AM FORCED TO ACT AN ADULT. SOMETHING THAT I DETEST.
Because when you turn to an adult, the sheer volume of responsibility for yourself and for others may either regress you into a child again, or make you quite insensitive.
Kriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! 6AM. I woke up when the service had just passed by the bakery where I would wait for it. Waaah. New start. "SAYA..." Still I celebrated my exact birth date (Feb. 18 at 3PM) with someone I dearly love.
OKAY. Done with the past.
Now I tell the whole world, I AM STILL WHO I AM.
According to chronology, I'm eighteen.
According to the law, I'm entitled to have a driver's license, to be married without parental consent, to vote for the new batch of corrupt politicians, etc. etc.
According to the Phil. society, I am an ADULT. Oh c'mon, I don't look like one.
But still, I'm still a child at heart.
Oblivious to many things in the world.
Intentionally using my selective attention to its fullest gear.
Coz I'm still not ready to face the world.
The harsh reality of this adult world.
The responsibilities of being an adult.
I'm still trying not to care about many things coz I don't want the remaining part of me to be corrupted fully.
By lies, pretension, unequal diffusion of responsibility, nonchalance, etc.
I am still a child who literally and figuratively still hold on to my cola-flavored Magic Pop.
A child whose principles are slowly tested by practicality.
You may not agree with me...but when you turn eighteen, it is nothing for you.
Nothing or something.
I'm my case, it's a BIG change.
Coz because of this number,. I AM FORCED TO ACT AN ADULT. SOMETHING THAT I DETEST.
Because when you turn to an adult, the sheer volume of responsibility for yourself and for others may either regress you into a child again, or make you quite insensitive.
Magic Pop Noon, Chupa-cHups Ngayon
Life at eighteen changes EVERYTHING.
I've changed my pop-preferences LITERALLY.
Metaphorically, choices seem to have changed, too. My preferences.
I've grown into this lazy cat who wants to prefer that road not less traveled,
to escape when it's boring already (I didn't attend my Logic classes three times, BUT returned to the adjacent room to attend Theology.),
to stay late NOT to study but to hold Q&A with my bestfriend.
I've tried to grow up (with no success...)
Still...
I am who I am, your opinion isn't desired nor required. (www.glitterbell.com)
This is still wrong, perhaps. Coz we need to grow up. Stand up with nobody's aiding you and face the world chin up (and without a pop dangling between the lips).
And now, I'm slowly....painstakingly letting go of the multiflavored Magic Pops of my past 18 years....the past hurts...past loves(infatuations, to be exact)...bad memos that must have been long gone had I let them fall from my hands.
And now prefer my CHUPA-CHUPS: the Good Side of College, A Year of Love, A Prayer for a Friend Answered...Life Life Life though it's still kinda suicidal.
I've changed my pop-preferences LITERALLY.
Metaphorically, choices seem to have changed, too. My preferences.
I've grown into this lazy cat who wants to prefer that road not less traveled,
to escape when it's boring already (I didn't attend my Logic classes three times, BUT returned to the adjacent room to attend Theology.),
to stay late NOT to study but to hold Q&A with my bestfriend.
I've tried to grow up (with no success...)
Still...
I am who I am, your opinion isn't desired nor required. (www.glitterbell.com)
This is still wrong, perhaps. Coz we need to grow up. Stand up with nobody's aiding you and face the world chin up (and without a pop dangling between the lips).
And now, I'm slowly....painstakingly letting go of the multiflavored Magic Pops of my past 18 years....the past hurts...past loves(infatuations, to be exact)...bad memos that must have been long gone had I let them fall from my hands.
And now prefer my CHUPA-CHUPS: the Good Side of College, A Year of Love, A Prayer for a Friend Answered...Life Life Life though it's still kinda suicidal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)
