Frustration Galore

Frustration: such word I hate but is just an inextricably a part of me. Can I do something about it?

G.S. Boy playmates abused my innocence. School friends didn't think I belong with them. Buried myself in the boring world of books and notes.

H.S. Left out by my girl group in school. Never wanted to be in a girl group again. I find it overbearing. Joined with the guys.

College. Broke my trust by the biggest, coolest group in class where I once belonged. Never had a peer group ever since.

Finance: My P1000 lost (coz of unpaid dept by my OWN FAMILY). I didn't even had my hair trimmed and relaxed. I won't lend my money EVER AGAIN. They're abusing my kindness.

Debut: I wanted it a formal one to be held in the *Full House-like function house by the lake in Ninoy Aquino Parks and Wildlife in Q.C. I wanted my gown to look like a flowing dress of blue and green. I wanted to be all made up even just once. But as the day approached, I just realized that it would never happen.
*from the Korean drama in GMA

It turned out to be a not well-prepared buffet at home. And I became the waitress.

Acad: Why did I let myself fail that Algebra??? I've paid HALF the price of it by taking a special class. Next summer I'll take Trigo (the subject in which Algeb's the prereq).

END NOTE: I dunno.

The Proust Questionnaire

featured by buji babiera

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
- Contentment. When you become contented with the good things you already have, you won't have to seek more. You'll be happy, and happiness may just become ALMOST perfect.

What is your greatest fear?
- Fear of being rejected/left out/misunderstood/not understood at all

Which living person do you most admire?
- My boyfriend. He can be so effortlessly friendly and approachable (he's also good in Math and in computers) while with just a word I can make others hate me.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
- The trait of not thinking that we are responsible for other people (strangers, distant relatives, etc). I mean, why just be good to those close to you???

What is your greatest extravagance?
-Wearing dangling earrings and make up on perfectly ordinary days. Sometimes, material things can make me feel beautiful and accepted.

What is your favorite journey?
- Journey from home to UST and back. This is the only way for me to learn those social skills I should have developed in childhood and high school.

On what occasion do you lie?
- When I don't want my wretched emotions known.

Which living person do you most despise?
- People who just don't think that they are responsible for other people. So ibig sabihin marami akong kagalit: some family members, classmates now and then, friends, neighbors, acquaintances, sometimes even myself.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
- Ewan and I don't know. (No, these are the words.)

What is your greatest regret?
- Trusting friends/would-be friends too soon.

Where and when were you the happiest?
- Sometimes with my boyfriend, sometimes when doing silly senti stuffs.

What is your current state of mind?
- I wanna devour the contents of our college books.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
- Introversion and wariness. These two hinder me from growing up.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
- To prove once in a while that I'm no-brainer. (hai, sobrang baba na tingin ko sa sarili ko eh, I'm so clumsy talaga)

If you were to die and comeback as a person or a thing, what would it be?
- A reincarnated me. Aayusin ko buhay ko from DAY ONE (hahaha).

What is your most treasured possession?
- Those few person who still think that I'm part of their lives.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
- Being alone. that feeling sucks the purpose of existence out of one's life.

Where would you like to live?
- On the umblemished places of my country, where I could just be myself.

What is your favorite occupation?
- Well, I wanna be a college prof. I'm not that smart myself, but I have this drive to excel academically and share my knowledge to the future generations. I'll influence them in such a way that if I can't do something to change the future of the country, I'll make sure they will. And if my parents want me to work abroad, I'll be a preschool teacher (in-demand till 2011 ata, haha)

What is your most marked characteristic?
- anatomy: mole on my face (bangaw/ piece of chocolate daw) - other things??? I dunno. Maybe being opinionated, making myself looking strong, and helping my few friends if possible

What is the quality you like most in a man?
- gentleman qualities

Who are your favorite writers?
-JK Rowling, Mitch Albom,Nick Joaquin, yeah...

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
-Dr. Gregory House. Very masungit (snobbish) eh. But despite his weirdness,I know he does his work to save others

Who are your heroes in real life?
- My parents. Very industrious. See, even now that my father doesn't work anymore, with his bank savings we, remaining 4 children, can still finish college.

What is that you most dislike?
- Many aspects of myself and people who just don't think that they are responsible for other people, dishonesty, infidelity. corruption.

How would you like to die?
- I imagine myself dying coz of an incurable disease. I'll take my last vacation in Bora or in a Caramoan(in Camarines Sur) beach. On a starry night, I'll leave the comfort of the house/hotel or inn room and wander on the shores. I'll do it every night till death seize me.

What is your motto?
- Honestly I don't have a motto. Maybe this principle can be considered as a motto:If I can't change the future, I'll make sure THEY will.

Seemingly Unfazed By My Own Mediocrity

That's what they might have unconsciously perceived of me.

faze n. disturb the composure of
mediocrity n. state of being not good (enough)

One of my problems. Long-time problem. Might be MY GREATEST.
How come?

I spent my middle childhood and adolescence inside the comfort zone of our home.
On that critical/sensitive period, I didn't learn socialization, good interpersonal relationships, group communication and show of emotion PROPERLY. I can't handle being in a peer group. So I truly belong to none of them.

Obviously, I LACK EXPERIENCE.

And even inside the home, I'm like an alien to my siblings. So different from them.
Even more different from my cousins. I'm this homebuddy... a nerd, sometimes a "house helper" (helping Mom do the household chores that I know how to do like sweeping and scrubbing the floor...)

You know what I mean? Well, it's alright that I'm a nerd and a "house-helper" inside the home.
But outside, I don't know who I am. I don't know how I would break the ice. I don't what's in and out in fashion, sports (In HS, I don't know what's UAAP, pathetic.), TV (PBB??? I don't know what makes it tick. Honestly, they're just like spying on the occupants of a house), music (Emo? Pls. define. And what makes someone EMO?), technology (Wow, what's that? It's DOTA. Oh, I'm sorry... Nice iPhone, I don' know how to play Snake with this keypad-less thingy.)...the list is endless.

I'm a nerd. Yes I am. I devour my books. Literally, my fave books are all looking battered. Wrong handling, I suppose. But I don't know the know-how's of this world. I'm just a mediocre person. Worse, I'm already an adult (18)...still I'm terrified when our car halted in the middle of the road inside the tunnel in Ayala. Still, I'm afraid to learn new stuffs...like making adobo or ride a scooter. I'm afraid to date people, even acquaintances. I'm afraid to venture outside our school campus. I have to gain as much experience as what I should have accumulated during those period from Grade4 to Fourth Year HS. And The weird thing is, I have to learn alone. So scary.

Yes, I'm mediocre. But what makes it worst is my expression.
I look aloof. Snob. Thinks highly of myself. Might be my defense mechanism to hide my inferiority.

And honestly, why I do that is because I don't know how to react properly in a particular situation. Not crying in my lola's funeral. Laughing "pilit" though I know myself that something is obviously hilarious. Cracking a corny joke with a frown, imagine that! As if I'm just a robot in human flesh and blood and bones. I look "ewan" at times. Oblivious to what's happening to my environment. Speaking words which hurt. Doing things in a haywire. As if my programs are full of viruses and my CPU is malfunctioning. Not really detectable. My composure is still there. I don't look troubled. Only serious. My problem is seen by others as loss of concentration or selective attention, slow reaction, no reaction, indifference, pride, mediocrity (yes, I finally found the exact word)...

But I'm still human...in another sense. That I'm easily hurt. That I sometimes express myself in exaggerated ways. That I'm inferior to try even the most banal of things. That I need help. That I need people who can see through me. That while others see me with my chin up, I, on the other hand, am looking down on myself.

Eighteen...and Still Holding a Pop

I just turned eighteen last Feb. 18. The night before, we ate, talked, sang, opened gifts, etc. But I slept early because I don't want to be late in my 7AM English class.
Kriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing! 6AM. I woke up when the service had just passed by the bakery where I would wait for it. Waaah. New start. "SAYA..." Still I celebrated my exact birth date (Feb. 18 at 3PM) with someone I dearly love.
OKAY. Done with the past.
Now I tell the whole world, I AM STILL WHO I AM.
According to chronology, I'm eighteen.
According to the law, I'm entitled to have a driver's license, to be married without parental consent, to vote for the new batch of corrupt politicians, etc. etc.
According to the Phil. society, I am an ADULT. Oh c'mon, I don't look like one.
But still, I'm still a child at heart.
Oblivious to many things in the world.
Intentionally using my selective attention to its fullest gear.
Coz I'm still not ready to face the world.
The harsh reality of this adult world.
The responsibilities of being an adult.
I'm still trying not to care about many things coz I don't want the remaining part of me to be corrupted fully.
By lies, pretension, unequal diffusion of responsibility, nonchalance, etc.
I am still a child who literally and figuratively still hold on to my cola-flavored Magic Pop.
A child whose principles are slowly tested by practicality.
You may not agree with me...but when you turn eighteen, it is nothing for you.
Nothing or something.
I'm my case, it's a BIG change.
Coz because of this number,. I AM FORCED TO ACT AN ADULT. SOMETHING THAT I DETEST.
Because when you turn to an adult, the sheer volume of responsibility for yourself and for others may either regress you into a child again, or make you quite insensitive.

Magic Pop Noon, Chupa-cHups Ngayon

Life at eighteen changes EVERYTHING.
I've changed my pop-preferences LITERALLY.
Metaphorically, choices seem to have changed, too. My preferences.
I've grown into this lazy cat who wants to prefer that road not less traveled,
to escape when it's boring already (I didn't attend my Logic classes three times, BUT returned to the adjacent room to attend Theology.),
to stay late NOT to study but to hold Q&A with my bestfriend.
I've tried to grow up (with no success...)
Still...
I am who I am, your opinion isn't desired nor required. (www.glitterbell.com)
This is still wrong, perhaps. Coz we need to grow up. Stand up with nobody's aiding you and face the world chin up (and without a pop dangling between the lips).
And now, I'm slowly....painstakingly letting go of the multiflavored Magic Pops of my past 18 years....the past hurts...past loves(infatuations, to be exact)...bad memos that must have been long gone had I let them fall from my hands.
And now prefer my CHUPA-CHUPS: the Good Side of College, A Year of Love, A Prayer for a Friend Answered...Life Life Life though it's still kinda suicidal.

1Psy-1 Clique-ster

Kung sa 1P1 2007-2008 ay napapabilang ka, kapansin-pansin ang mga grupo-grupo na bumubuo nito. Makikita mo na maaaring member ka ng ISANG grupo lamang, napapabilang sa dalawa o higit pa, o tsugi ka pala (hindi mo pa alam). Masasabing ang bawat clique ay may mga katangiang naiiba sa iba pang mga clique. Ang clique ang barkada mo, cheatmates mo, sources mo, atbp. Kaya mahirap talaga pag wala kang ka-clique sa P1...

Coz pag wala kang clique sa P1-----OUT KA!
(terrible, indeed...)

HALIMAWS aka The Cum Laudes
Can't remember na kung bakit ito ang unang tinawag sa kanila.
In fact... mga D.L. wannabes sila.
Mga future cum laude...
In fact may D.L. na sa amin.
Sila and mga taong matatalino pero hindi nerd
Tahimik pero matinik
Sila ang mga taong nagkukunwari pang hirap daw sa subject
pero ang mga grades ay niruruler na lang (puro uno eh).
Para sa ibang P1, sila ang mga sumalo ng bukas-palad (Oblation-style ba ito???) sa karunungang isinabog ng Maykapal.
Kahit sa exams ay mukhang cool pa rin sila.

F4
Pasyensya na...wala akong maisip na pwedeng itawag sa kanila eh....
Bakit F4????
Kasi apat sila.
At nakakatuwa na kasama nila ang isang future D.L.
At ang tatlong ito ay talagang mga lalaki ang kilos...
Pala-DOTA, nag-iinuman on special occasions, etc.
At least naman hindi sila irreg noh....

The ELITE
Sila ang mga mayayaman.
Mga mahilig sa party at out of town vacations.
May sariling kotse ang mga lalaki, kung hindi man marunong mag-drive.
Kumakain sa Ice Monster at HotShots ng USTe.
Isa sa kanila may iPhone pa (mukha kaming mga tagabundok na di marunong mag-Snake sa keypad-less iPhone na 'yan, haha!)
Marami sa kanila ang irreg ngayon gaya ko(Math kasi eh...)

The Gurlz
Malaki-laking grupo ito ng mga girls sa amin na masasabi nating typical Filipina teenagers.
Hindi masyado kikay,
masayahin, palapasyal,
nagdadamayan pati sa pangongopya ng assign. at paggawa ng project.
Sila ang mga down-to-earth na mga tao sa section namin.
Average ang grades but at least halos lahat sila regular students.

The MOST PROMINENT GROUP
Sila ang pinakainfluencial
pinakaboisterous
pinakahyperactive group sa P1
The largest group din ito kasi almost all members ng Cum Laudes and the Elites ay identified din sa group na ito
Mahahaba ang galamay nila.
Very clannish.
At talagang pag P1, sila ang mapapansin kaagad.


And it is really showing na clannish and "clique-ish" ang 1Psy-1 2007-2008.

Time to Type Idly...what happened last friday and today, monday.

2:39:21 PM

Felt like typing idly.
Stopped researching (fed up with it).
This is the first day of the Science Week 2008.
Can't F-E-E-L it!!!
Or maybe just because I won't go to the exhibits.
M' only damned friend thinks it's corny...childish...nerdy.
Now he's on a date and I'm left here to do what a nerd loves:
Study-slash-research-slash-blogging-slash-texting-slash-listening to music (well, a while ago)
Boring, haha... (stops...thinks this blog's trash...)

Basta kaninang umaga, before 6:13AM kami umalis ni kuya.
Aba siya ang may trabaho, ako pa inutangan ng PhP65, hanep 'yun.
May isang jeep pa pala na naghihintay na mapuno...umalis...
dumating NLEX...traffic...almost an hour usad-linta.
Dahil pala sa 3 vehicular accidents sa NLEX bet. Valenzuela and Balintawak.
Meron pa ngang 5 tatanga-tangang drivers na ang kanilang mga sasakyan eh talaga nga namang humarang pa sa daan, magaling 3x, imbis na 30min. early ako eh naging 30 min. late pa.

At ang opening program ng Sci. Week ay isang nakaka-nosebleed na lecture from a marine biologist/biochemist from UPD Marine Sciences Institute. Sa ppt niyang puro figures ng compounds at schematic representations ng mga viruses, si Dean Sevilla at mga chem and microbio professors lang ata ang nakakaintindi. At least alam ko na ang lecture ay tungkol sa paghahanap nila ng pancarcinogenic cure at vaccine for all types of strains of influenza.

At sabi nang may date 'tong friend ko eh... noong friday sa Aristocrat sila kumain. PhP504 lang naman ang ginastos nila...PhP60+ po ang ice tea..ehem, so di ba ang gastos nila? Parang kami ng special someone ko, hindi na nagsawa sa KFC sa Carpark. Ako pala ang hindi nagsasawa... sana may Kenny Rogers na malapit dito...

.s.t.o.p.

.e.n.d.